How My Heart Breaks Read online

  Pulling up into my driveway, I turn off the truck and glimpse at my two sleeping passengers, contemplating the best way to do this. I decide to take Hallie in first and then deal with Lana.

  Hopping out of my truck and opening up the back door, I unfasten Hallie’s child restraint and lift her in my arms. She begins to stir and I ‘shhh’ her while kicking the truck door shut and making my way inside.

  While walking down the hallway to her bedroom, her eyes flip open to meet mine, and she smiles.

  “Are we going out again, Daddy?”

  “No, darlin’.” I laugh. “It’s back to bed.”

  “Oh, that’s good,” she says in a sleepy voice.

  I smile as I lay her down in bed, her tight grip around my neck pulling me down with her. I chuckle as I pry her arms off me and then pull up her quilt, tucking her in.

  Running my hand over her hair, I place a soft kiss on her forehead.

  “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise you had your daughter with you.”

  I turn at the voice and find Lana standing in the doorway to Hallie’s room. Her eyes leave mine to roam around the space, and I wonder how she knows Hallie is my daughter. Hallie’s room is not like your typical little girl’s room. With pale green walls and sports posters hung all about, I wouldn’t hold it against Lana if she’d assumed I had a son. I guess growing up with only a daddy will do that to a girl.

  Lana bows her head and looks down at the ground, making me realise I have just been staring at her for the past few moments without answering. She fidgets with her fingers as she shifts her weight from side to side.

  “I’m sorry for just bringing you back here.” I stand and make my way out of the room. Lana follows me down the hall and into the living room.

  “Please, take a seat.” I gesture to the brown leather couch.

  Lana sits on the edge, another show of her uneasiness, so I head to the kitchen and fill a small tumbler of scotch.

  Carrying the glass and the bottle back to the living room, I find Lana standing in front of the wall plastered with photos, her eyes gazing at all the different pictures. Most are of Hallie and me, with a small amount of Hallie with her mum, and a few family shots with us all.

  “You should really be sitting down,” I tell her.

  She drops her head to stare at the ground, avoiding my gaze. I would give anything to be able to see her face and read whatever emotions she is trying so hard to hide.

  I startle at the strong voice and try to hide all the emotions I am feeling. Not only the unexplainable jealousy I feel at looking at this picture perfect family, but the shame of being caught snooping around. Snooping around some strange guy’s house. A strange guy who pretty much kidnapped me. I should probably be more concerned than I am at my current situation.

  I probably should’ve bolted down the street when I woke up in an unfamiliar car, but instead, I just invited myself inside, searching the house until I found him. What choice did I really have? My house had just caught on fire. I may no longer even have a house. God, I may no longer have anything. My furniture, my clothes. Oh God, all my parents’ photos and possessions. It’s hard to see the extent of the fire and damage when the flames are as big as they were.

  “You need to rest,” he says, interrupting my thoughts and gently coaxing me to the couch.

  I blindly follow him in a daze as realisation dawns at all I could’ve lost. I sit on the edge of the couch as he hands me a tumbler full of amber liquid. I can’t help but take in the man who rescued me properly for the first time. My white knight. My saviour. He is gorgeous. Untouchable gorgeous. The type of gorgeous you only see walking around with a blonde supermodel on his arm. My mind briefly flits back to the pretty blonde in the family photos.

  Family photos. God Lana, how can you even be thinking about how hot this guy is after what has just occurred?

  “You’ll need that,” he says, picking up on my hesitation and gesturing towards the glass. His warm brown eyes meet mine and I can’t help but look down to my glass.

  Having this tall, strong man standing in front of me, looking down at me expectantly, there is nothing I can do but throw the drink back. Again, taking a drink from a guy whose name I don’t even know is probably another dumb decision, but his strong chocolate gaze has me stupefied.

  His body seems huge, and even though he can’t be that much taller than my own 5’10” height, the pure size of him makes me feel as if I’m two feet tall. Even in a relaxed stance with his arms dropped by his sides, there is power there, with thick veins running down his forearms and roped muscles wrapped by golden skin.

  I notice his large hands, rough and dirty from hard work. “You a mechanic?” I gesture to his dry hands with the tumbler that rattles in my shaky grip. The black worn into his skin tells me he works with grease. It reminds me of my grandpa’s hands after he had been working on his car.

  “Yeah.” He breathes out slowly, his shoulders dropping. “A diesel mechanic.”

  “You work on semis?”

  “Some.” He pauses. “Army vehicles. I’m a staff sergeant in the Army.”

  “Oh.” I nod, looking back down to his hands. “Makes sense.”

  “What makes sense?”

  I still at the words I didn’t mean to say out loud being repeated back to me. “Well …” I pause. “Look at you.” I bark a short laugh.

  The corner of his mouth tips up in a grin, and I find I can’t stop. Looking at him that is. Something about him captivates me. Keeps my thoughts from drifting back to the hell that tonight has been. A perfect distraction from all I may have lost.

  He has short brown hair, a typical military cut that I think, if grown longer, would be a gorgeous sandy colour. Add that, and his huge body covered in worn jeans and a tight grey T-shirt to his stoic face, and I should’ve guessed Army.

  “I’m Jake, by the way.”

  “Lana.” I give him a nervous smile.

  “I know.”

  Quirking an eyebrow at him, he explains, “I heard you tell the paramedics.”

  “Oh, of course.”

  We stay in an uncomfortable silence before once again, remembering the events that led to me being here in the first place.

  “What happened?” I ask him.

  He releases a deep breath as he sits himself next to me. His presence up close does nothing but enhance the power he seems to exude. Bowing his head and rubbing his fingers across his brow, he takes a moment before answering.

  “I just happened to be driving by and I saw the flames.” His voice hitches and he pauses once more. “Once I reached your place, the flames were pretty big, but I figured someone was probably inside.” He shakes his head as though he’s angry with himself. I can’t imagine why. He saved me. I don’t even want to think about what could’ve happened. “I could only find you. I carried you out and called for help.”

  “Jake, it’s okay,” I soothe him. His strong, stoic face is beginning to crack, and I see his own frustration about that. I would be willing to bet that the hard façade he wears never wavers. “There was no one else in there.”

  His eyes shoot to his arm, and I realise I’ve placed my hand on it and am now rubbing my palm up and down his soft skin.

  I snatch my hand away and clear my throat. “I’m so sorry you had to find me. Was your daughter in the truck the whole time?” I didn’t notice her in there; I only remember staring out of the windshield in a daze before I must have fallen asleep.

  “It’s okay. She slept through it, and I doubt in the morning she’ll even remember we left the house.”

  “What did you leave for?” I wince at my rude and intrusive question. “I’m sorry, I just meant, well, couldn’t you leave your daughter with your wife?”

  Yeah Lana, because that’s a heap better.

  When I’d seen her in the photos, seen her bright smile and blue eyes, my jealousy had spiked. She was just like all the girls in high school I envied. The type of girl I once wished I was. They had gorgeous curvy bodies, beautiful faces, and big breasts. They always seemed to have it all, and I’d been an emotional teenager who wanted what I thought they had.

  I eventually grew up to love—well, not love, but accept who I am. Accept my tall and lanky figure, my wild red hair, small breasts, and an array of freckles.

  “I don’t have a wife. She passed away,” he says matter-of-factly.

  “Oh … I …”

  “It’s okay. We were separated when it happened, and it has been a long time. It’s just Hallie and me now, and we’re doing okay.”

  I nod. “You seem like you’re doing more than okay.” I smile at the thought of Jake tucking her in and caressing and kissing her head. His love for his daughter filled the little girl’s room.

  A small smile touches his lips as well, and we just stare at each other for a moment. Part of me wonders if he knows just how good looking he is. If he puts on the strong and stoic bravado just to add effect to his hard and handsome look.

  Jake pulls me from my daydream. “Did you want to take a shower? The smell of smoke must be bothering you, and you are covered in soot.” He gestures to my face.

  “Oh my God.” I swipe at my cheek. I hadn’t even noticed the overpowering stench of smoke before he mentioned it. Too busy distracted by the perfect that is Jake.

  I run my gaze over his flawlessness once more. “I’m not the only one.” I gesture to the soot on his pants and the bottom of his T-shirt.

  Jake chuckles, reaching forward, his hand cups my face as his thumb glides along my cheek. I nuzzle into his palm, my body reacting without thought.

  “You missed some,” he whispers.

  “Oh,” is all I can say as I stare deep into his warm eyes.

  The clearing of his throat as he stands pulls me back to reality and has me fidgeting in my seat.

  “The shower is just down there.” He gestures to the hallway where Hallie’s room was. “There are clean towels on the shelf, but I’m sorry, only Hallie uses that shower so there’s only her strawberries and cream shampoo and bodywash.”

  “That will be fine, thank you.” I give him a shy smile.

  Jake just nods. “I’ll get some sheets for the couch. You can sleep in my bed; you’ll be much more comfortable in there.”

  He leaves the room and descends the opposite hallway to where Hallie’s room is before I can respond.

  I mentally berate myself. What did I think was going to happen? He was going to carry me to his bed? With him?

  Sighing, I shake my head. I watch way too many daytime romance movies when it’s summer break.

  I’ve never been the girl who gets swept off her feet. Never the one who gets what she wants. In college, I had a crush on the quarterback, but somehow, I ended up marrying his best friend. All I have to show for that is a bastard of an ex-husband and a baggage-load of hurt.

  Jake enters the living room carrying an armful of blankets and a pillow. I shift off the couch and he begins to set up his makeshift bed. The smell of freshly washed linen floats through the air as he shakes the sheets open and lays them over the cushions.

  There is something so sexy about a domesticated man. A domesticated man who also carries women out of burning buildings.

  I take another moment to really look at him. God, he’s good looking. Not just normal good looking, but really, really, really good looking. I wonder what he’s like underneath that hard exterior? What would it be like to kiss him, to make love to him? Would his hard shell soften or would it be rough, raw? Either way, I think it would be unforgettable.

  I swallow the lump in my throat caused by my wayward libido when I realise I have just been watching him for minutes on end. “I’ll just go grab a shower.”

  “Here.” He hands me a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. “Your clothes are covered in ash.”

  “Thanks.” I give him a quick smile and then hustle off to the bathroom.

  When I’m all showered and dressed, I make my way back to the living room to find Jake still fiddling with the sheets but now dressed in his own pair of shorts and T-shirt.

  “Jake, I can take the couch.” As much as I would love to be wrapped up in your sheets. “I feel terrible. You have already done too much, and I couldn’t put you out more.”

  “No,” he says firmly. “You need to rest. You have been through a lot tonight. A lot that I don’t think has actually hit you yet.” He narrows his eyes at me, as if waiting for me to answer that. “Besides …” he returns to setting the sheets, “Hallie wakes up early, and I don’t want her to wake you.”

  “Okay,” I whisper. I think he’s right. Besides the nonstop shaking hands, I don’t think it has actually hit me yet that tomorrow morning I could be waking up with nothing.

  He nods in agreement, a wide smile lighting up his face. God, he is sweet. So in contrast to the vibes that pour off him.

  I step towards him, and without thinking, I lay my hand on his forearm. He freezes, his eyes shooting to mine.

  “Thank you.” It seems lame after everything he has done for me—you know, carrying me out of a burning house and all—but I don’t have any other words right now.

  A small smile tips his lips and we stare at each other, our eyes roaming each other’s faces. My gaze skims his light stubble and all I want is to feel it. Run my fingers over it.

  So I do.

  Without thinking, my hand reaches up and I graze my fingertips along the edge of his jaw. He gasps at the contact and I consider pulling away.

  But I don’t.

  I am always the careful Lana. The cautious Lana. I don’t do anything without thinking it through first. Making lists of pro and cons. I never take risks. I never put myself out there.

  Now, in this moment, doing something I want to do without any thought for the consequences has my heart racing. Blood is pumping so fast through my veins I think I may faint.

  My hand shakes as I go to move it off Jake’s skin, but he grabs my wrist and holds my hand to his face. He wants this. Well, he’s not opposed to it. Why shouldn’t I do this? People have one-night stands all the time. It’s not as if I’ll ever have to see him again. Plus, I almost died tonight. If that doesn’t make you grab life by the horns, then what will?

  I tighten my grip on his cheek and step towards him, lining up our bodies. Jake slides his hand behind my neck and then runs it down to my lower back before pulling me harder into him.

  I’m doing this.

  Leaning forward, I press my lips to his. Hard and unforgiving. Probably harder than I need to be, but once Jake returns my enthusiasm, I’m lost to it.

  His kiss is warm and comforting and soon our lips are tangling in a mess of lust and passion and it’s not much longer before our hands are joining in, Jake’s running over my back, mine holding his face tight, the stubble on his jaw scratching my palms.

  The sensations his touch exudes are new, like nothing I’ve ever felt before and I find it hard to control my reaction, pushing myself harder against him. His hands glide to my hips and pull me even tighter against him until I feel his own reaction up against my stomach.

  I gasp as he lifts me and I wrap my legs around his waist, never breaking our kiss. Cupping my ass, he carries me down another hallway opposite to the one Hallie’s room is.

  When we step into a room, he pulls back, both of us breathing heavy. I glance around to see he has brought us to his bedroom. Looking back at Jake, his eyes search my face, and I know he is looking for confirmation. Confirmation that this is okay. That this is what I really want.

  I don’t even think when I give him the only answer I have. Smashing my lips against his, I pour everything I have into the kiss. He meets my ferocious need and I melt into a puddle of euphoria.

  Moving towards the bed, Jake lies me down in the middle of it, his body still between my legs as he looks me over.

  “Jesus, Lana,” he breathes. “I don’t know if this is a good idea.”

  My heart stops. I thought he wanted this too.

  “If you don’t want this …” I lean forward to sit up, shame and embarrassment washing over me.

  “No, fuck.” He grabs my shoulders to stop me and then quickly pulls his hands back. “I want this. My God, do I want this,” he says, as his eyes roam my body from top to toe. “But you could be in shock. I don’t want to take advantage of you. That’s not why I brought you back here.”

  “Why did you bring me here?” I lean up on my elbows.

  “You had just been in a house fire, Lana. I couldn’t leave you alone. Drop you off at some random hotel.” His fierce gaze meets mine, and then I see a flash of something before he closes his eyes and throws his head back groaning, “Fuck.”

  “What?” I sit up, panicked, and grab his hands.

  “You’ve just been in a house fire, Lana.” I see it. The resignation on his face. I’m losing him. He is going to put a stop to this.

  My need for him is overwhelming, and as concerning as it is, I don’t have to time to focus on it as I vie for all his attention on me.

  Linking my fingers through his hands that I’m now clutching, I lie back and pull him with me. “It’s been way too big a night to be thinking so hard.”

  He narrows his eyes on my face, and I realise I need to take control here. For the first time in my life, I need to be the dominant one. The one calling the shots.

  I lean forward and take his lips with my own. He pauses briefly before returning my affections, and the kiss is so raw I think it shocks us both. Jake leans back on his heels and runs his eyes down the length of me before following the path with his hands. His touch is intoxicating, and even though we are both still fully clothed, I know it’s a sign of what’s about to come.

  “Jesus, Lana,” he breathes. “It’s been a long time for me.”

  “Me too,” I whisper. Even longer since it’s felt like this. Has it ever felt like this?

  “Let’s just take it slow, okay?” His voice is calm, but I feel the unsteadiness of his touch as it glides up my ribs.

  I nod, losing any form of speech as his thumbs brush the underside of my breasts. The touch feels so sensitive and close, and I soon realise it’s because I’m not wearing a bra. Of course I’m not; I was carried out of my bed. Sleeping peacefully before my house caught on fire.